I Like the fluff, but you said to be harsh so pedants hat on.(did take me 40 minutes on a Sunday morning so I’m not doing this out of shadenfreude)
I might remove the bit in brackets in the fluff ( your doing a story bat rep, not an expounding professor in a pub.. take out the "or more like..." bit and instead be happy with “creature emerged from the [Chitinous] floor”, however I may add an expressive word for its biological nature see word in brackets.
"What once was a man is now" you've changed tense and it breaks the spell a bit. change it to "became nothing but.." to keep it in the same tense.
There is nothing "normal" about a carnifex especially to guard (for whom an orc boy is a monster). Get rid of that word, maybe put in something about the horror of facing such brutes.. and then them spotting the differences etc (but try to keep to one tense, passed or present, if present put it in quotes like a broken recoding of a transmission log etc)
Did "not have the luxury", tat. you go on to say its a specialised creature.. just because gamers consider dakkafexes the uber creature doesn't mean that screamer killers et al aren't top in any caste system etc.. Removed the bit about it not being luxury.. or if you keep it modify it to a more illustrative prose " some creatures they had seen were covered in embellishments for accuracy, but this was a blunt tool, it was a body hammer, it was living breathing death...and they knew at once that it was breathing on them" something like that if you have to describe it as a non luxury try to have a vision of leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something in your minds eye as you write. Furthermore think about the context you've put the creature in, he defends an internal structure (the nest) which they have made and is normally populated by vast numbers of his own..why would he have a big ranged weapon.
"with all its six of its scything talons" slightly wrong wording order, how about with all 3 pairs of its scything talons? OR with all 6 brutally sharp scything talons etc.
"This was the last of the transmission of what had been received that fateful day”. Acceptable (messages rely on both sending and receiving) but a bit clunky in context, how about " That was the last transmission sent out by the platoon" their end in that egg chamber can only be speculated on.. and then only by those with strong stomachs.
I'm really not keen on the evolved today bit, how long does the genome engineering process take from spore etc? And then you go on to say it’s a forced evolutionary step in defence.. the 2 sound mutually exclusive to me.. keep the bit about the evolutionary step, remove the bit about it being created that day.(or make clearer it awoke to consiousness having been sat as a silent guard, part of the very floor itself, awaiting intruders (like a burglar alarm it sprang to life through the floor, not knowing it existed until the desire to kill and protect came upon it etc)
now norn not undefended'= fun, but I might remove the double negative for speedier pacing and drama - so the hive.... is defended by more fearsome creatures than we could have ever imagined etc. (unless your saying it was a mistake e.g. "the commander demands that you correct your records the hive is NOT "undefended" it is certainly "defended" and most ferociously so.)
A fair few things that break the spell of a rather nice backdrop. Possibly to still get the pressure and emotion of immediacy whilst conveying it in military historical archive fashion. i'd suggest 2 clear topics 1 A broken and garbled transmission where you can convey the fear, the slimy uberness, the discovery in the present tense. 2 where you can look at it from with cold hindsight review.. collate the mission report, analyse the descriptions and have damning indictments etc.
That way the tenses won't get quite so tangled up.
Statwise, fairly cool.
But its faster (much e.g. its I value etc) it shouldn't have a 2+ save as well.IMO
trygon has a 3+.
Deepstriking and then next turn moving 6+
D6+6+
D6
The trygon no longer has the beast move, it now just has the
D6 fleet. I think yours might be moving a tad too fast, although I think 1D6 somewhere is cool, you could make it slightly faster by making it 2D6 and pick the highest (that would be a middle ground)
Why is it leaving the nest, I thought it was a last line of defence creature- maybe tether it to an hq unit (like apoc.. must deploy within X”s of…” how do the fluff and the playstyle mesh?
If you take into account all the above.. I reckon you’ll have some leighway to bounce around a bit. E.g. make the initiative 5 or something.
phew.. now I need a coffee, hope it helps
KMB