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Army Background?

Created your own background storyline for your army? Want to discuss the 40k history?

Postby timewizard » Thu Mar 19, 2009 12:00 pm

killmaimburn wrote: Matheus taking a large maul axe only he had the strength to wield with any true skill.. and Petrus took his gloves which he had made deadly through use of the ironmongers forge and an old pitch fork.


killmaimburn wrote:they choose weapons that fit their memories of first battle (a relic blade and lightning claws


Wouldn't they choose lightning claws and a thunder hammer?

Very nice start BTW, but as LH said, you need a reason for them to be recruited, Ruffian had some good ideas.

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Postby killmaimburn » Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:34 pm

LordMalekTheRedKnight wrote:@PaddF: ummm... nice pasta? :lol:
i don't get, is it a take off and destroy the base from space thing? I liked the ideas paddy watch for how you refer to daddy though it can mess with tenses a bit (as well as make it a very personal experience for the reader which often comes with complex baggage) :D ..
Ljundhammer wrote:2 things - why would the brothers join the arbites? Arbites are crack soldiers, generally hand picked to join the Inquisitor's personal army from the best PDFs & standing armies in the world.
If humans met a chaos space marine they'd cack it yes? My plan is that the coppers need help from the giants among men .. the meeting will of course be suitably dynamic.(last stand kind of thing) :D (give me a day to flesh it out in my head. Might lead to head arbite bequthing the task of them returning on his death bed or some other cliche..

ruffian4 wrote:been "interferred with" in their youth and have been lost, or possibly part of some experiment (going up against plague stuff???).
A dreadclaw that malfunctioned cut off air supply long enough they went into hybernation cycle?? What kind of things can mash up a space marine that an apothecary can fix? I still like the idea of it being an initiation/cutting wheat from chaff for chapter though... (maybe its one of those trials.. like trial of glass etc (there s ahorus heresy where a servant to a captain failed the trail of thorns???) maybe this is the trial of faith certain sections of their memories are wiped.. do they still adhere to the emperors code or do they feel the taint of chaos??)

timewizard wrote: a thunder hammer?
I'm writing it to fit the list..fluff is more malleable than my list.. also I kind of plan for a swap around Matheus whilst the larger of the two.. is also the more tactical his axe he uses like a human would use a rapier..(might be that he was trained with relic blades before the accident..or could just be to do with him previously being assigned to a dev squad? (which astrates companys are generally larger built? presumably the ones who carry the lascannons all day? He'll be reassigned to fast attack after this though..) Petrus is going to worry folks with his emotional baggage (yet to occur) and lust for battle but still get results.
thanks for the help so far.. and yep everyone keep shouting out other random stuff.. creative wall goooo :)


Ohh now I get it :oops: :lol:
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Postby killmaimburn » Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:04 pm

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like though??? (4chan)
http://explosionedafire.ytmnd.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZl ... re=related
had to get that out my system caused one hell of a blockage :)
mortiferum wrote:If army background fluff is a requirement, who checks, ensures they are not plagiarised, reads and marks them all during a tourney?
If they could really be bothered you can use an OCR program that scans blocks of text and use a teachers tool that compares it for similar sentances phrases etc.. (There is a plagerism machine around somewhere- can check whether your copying out of a book you think is too obscure for your lecturer and for patterns of folks copying each others work)
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Postby ruffian4 » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:27 pm

MB, I have come to delver...come to delver...oh crap.
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Postby killmaimburn » Thu Mar 19, 2009 10:25 pm

2nd part.. I'm finding it a bit tricky not just going off into rather elaborate descriptive prose..have a read..if you think the bit hwere i say the necropolis was a ghost town and you want 1000 etxra words on cycopean dread and brooding tension I can add that I just realised it would epic out a bit if I didn't start short cutting to verbs.
Their method was simple they chopped and dismembered their way through the carrion pestilence.. if they could relax then they were heading the wrong way and changed course..The putrefied creatures were easy sport, slow and almost comical in their inept attempts to respond to such controlled aggression.. But their numbers and capacity to absorb blows, that would fell a normal man, made it tiring work.
On the second day of travel they were reassured by the rising hostility of the creatures..Matheus took a double armed swing with his axe decapitating 3 stuttering corpses.. and shouted across that path
“there is more than numbers here…something is at work against us… see how they cannot even wait in line for my blade”
Petrus was fighting hard, repeatedly puncturing eye sockets, bursting discomposingly swelled organs..but for all his work he knew he was not up to the task.. his body stunk from the exhaust of the collapsing dead..His pride took a dent.. he realised how few he had killed compared to Matheus, in some lesser man this could have been the seed of some resentment, but Petrus took it as a life lesson if his weapons could not put down the beast he would simply immobilise them and move on.. he checked his wrist clasps..and in a deft move spun around behind ‘his’ batch of bipedal cadavars..with a few quick slashs he cut the muscles and tendons that ran down the back of their legs… A sickening ‘twang’ sound echoed in his ears followed by the tearing of the parchment like skin and the creatures fell, the creatures mewling and groaning could almost be considered pitiful..almost.
They carried on their path of destruction and cleansing of the land for another 3 days they knew they were close, they could see the necropolis.. but the resistance had diminished to a trickle, if anything the warriors were made more wary.. the gaps in fighting allowed them time for doubt,this force that seemed to be at work, this intelligence, the dead could be massing some form of trap..what might come next?..But the doubt was not enough to stop the warriors enjoying their brief respite muscles ached and wounds needed tending.
They walked on through the gates that marked the boundary to the city of the dead- without encountering even vermin.In all ways a ghost town, the living had left this great territory when the plagues had first struck and shown how easy spreading these poxes were in such tight confines.
The sun was setting and they were still yet to find a challenge for their metal..they heard a sound like thunder..but there was no lightning? There again more thunder..
No, a sound bouncing off the walls.. their keen hearing removed the distortion of the echos and they started to run towards the source of such sound..
They ran passed a dilapidated inn, and rounded the corner of the stables towards the market square.. and quickly ducked back. Glancing back around the edge of the building they saw the battle they had wished for..3 no 400 fiends, slavering ranting dribbling puss spewing frenzied..
But they were not coming to the warriors..they were concentrated around an abandoned meat sellers shop, The warriors could hear the sounds, the shout of orders being given and more thunder filling the air. Petrus at once ran to their aid.. cutting down the unexpectant flesh from behind, like paper bovine they went to the slaughter with only muted gasps..But the numbers the sheer bulk of cutting.. where was Matheus?
Matheus watched his noble gallant brother and thought him a fool..the creatures were not right.. nothing was right. He wanted to correct this wrongness.he scanned the horizon, the windows the torn and sullied civilisation around him.. on the balcony of a tavern he spotted his prey,..a sickly glow emanated from the shadows. He checked to see that Petrus was in no immediate peril, he was still at work he could be lumbering wood for all the good it did.. Matheus keeping to the shadows edged his way around the perimeter of the square and through the remains of the tavern doors..The stairs creaked agonisingly loudly …but as he reached the landing he saw the thing too distracted in his war games too confident..
It was large..larger even than himself..but other than that it was hard to pin down any constant detail.. its skin resembled a candle that’s wax had dripped down it for overlong.. or the sump bucket of fat after a few large animal had been cooked in the village feasts.. It had limbs.. depending on what angle Matheus saw it had too many..one of which held a shard of stone that was illuminating the room.He was cautious,slow he stalked he circled…he raised his axe above his head and then strode quickly forwards..He struck..the hand with the stone, as he had thought the flesh just gave way melting into itself but he had connected with the stone..it pushed through the ‘skin’ down through the rotten floorboards and into the very stone of the building.He quickly raised his arms again and flew down again this time with the butt of his axe on the vulnerable stone.. the air was filled with screams and sighs of reliefs as the stone splintered.The light was extinguished.
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Postby ruffian4 » Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:59 am

Excellent mate, I realy enjoyed that.
I could certainly see the necropolis, especially the inn and butchers shop.

Re description (cyclopean dread, etc), I think you are implying Lovecraftian verbosity...it's not necessary.

If Lovecraft had described the final creature, it would have been half a page of wordyness requiring constant dictionary browsing.

As it was, the necromancer thing was waxy, weird and had loads of limbs, which to me is very Lovecraftian, in that, that would be the way you see and remember it afterwards anyway.

I'm not Lovecraft bashing, btw, I do like his stuff a lot, I just wish his editor (if he had one!?!?!?) had reigned him in a little.

One thing that did surprise me, that it was Mateus who was the thinky bloke.
I thought he would madsmasherhammerwarrior (thus tasking him towards...) and Petrous would be less the carnage merchant and the chopofftheheadoftheenemyguy (thus tasking him towards...).

But, I reckon, I might have been swayed by the name (Petrous, you know, "the rock upon which was built..." etc).

A while back, I sent in a bit of stuf like wot I did writ, into the black library writing thingy forum.
There were 3 responces (yeehaa).
All of them were "yeah, quite liked it" clones, but all of them warned me of "wall of text = reader put off" sydrome.

So, when you edit it again (and edit and edit an...) you might want to consider what it looks like in its entirety on the page.

Hope there's something useful in there.
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Postby Ljundhammer » Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:47 am

I loved it.

Agree with ruffian, very Lovecraftian - but why no Cyclopean? Lovecraft would have got that word in at least 3 times in a story that long! Amatuer ;)

I'll agree again with ruffian on the text spacing & sentance/paragraph structure. I'm hardly Giles Coren myself, so I'll leave it at that!
When in deadly danger
When beset by doubt
Run in little circles
Wave your arms and shout
- parody of the litany of command
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Postby timewizard » Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:31 am

You accomplished what every good writer strives for, I want to read the rest of the story!
Very descriptive, not overly prosy, but as Ruffian said, it could use a bit of editing (a nip here, a tuck there :D )
Looking forward to the next installment.

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Postby estarriol » Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:55 am

When writing prose for publication online, 2 tricks can really help, first is a double return between paragraphs, second is a tab indent at the start of each paragraph, it all adds the feeling of space around the writing and makes it easier on the eye.
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Postby killmaimburn » Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:10 pm

Some of its to do with being in quotes.. so what i might do is write outside of quote and put my besides in quotes for better reading..I put in the use of the rock twice into this one ruffian..diana would be proud :lol: It doesn't help that copy and pasting into this rather poo post engine removes most spaces I've put into text (and doesn't tab)

His vision was good..but all he could make out now the light was gone was degrees of dark … the shadows of shadows..one of which hissed at him..”yoou foooll.you dare defy uzzz” a voice like a swarm of flies rattled in his brain, bruising his synapse..

He adopted a defensive stance, He felt weak… ”Petrus!” He shouted , he turned his head to the courtyard “PETRUS!!”

He swung his axe around his head.. not aiming for anything in particular but more to ward off the buzzing..like a horses tail against an irate swarm.

Thunder, close by.. He was tiring, his shoulders felt the burden of his kills..his muscles screamed but he carried on his defensive web of gestures with the large weapon..keeping the foe at a distance.

His left arms rotation hit a knot of overused muscle, he let out a growl at his bodies failure as his sweeping arm left a gap in his weave of defences.. the creature was on him..ice water, sticky ice water on his left leg and he could no longer support himself..He dropped to his knees.. and the room was filled with sound, not the sound of flies but the sound of thunder.. brief illuminations from the muzzles of fine metal magics…
“we are with you brother,take heart” (Ahh petrus,dependable Petrus)
“Arbitrators! switch to sabot” A strangers voice..one full of authority.. “stay down Matheus” ..

The room was lit again briefly by a concentric explosion of gases and peppering metals from just behind him.. He saw his quarry take an impact the size of fist to its centre but was still standing solid..
Night blindness descended, the hangover of the muzzle flashs.. he knew what he had to do to even the odds..Somewhere he knew inside, how to cleanse this wrongness. “Burn! Burn everything!!!”He shouted to the darkness around him..He felt arms good solid human arms under his pulling him upright..dragging him to the stairs.. the muzzle flashs continuing now rejoined by the buzzing gathering of energy..
At the bottom of the stairs 2 men lit fires, he didn’t see how.. one moment their was dank darkness the next a fire had taken and was sweeping up the building..
He looked to the owner the arms that supported him
“Petrus?”
“Neigh, how do you think we all got down those steps.. your brother covered our ungainful egress”
Matheus looked to the blazing shell, his fire,he struggled with the human crutch.. “we must go back for him” But all to no avail he was wounded,lame, at his helpers mercy..
A scream from above… no a warcry.. something hurled itself from the balcony to the square.. the men aimed their weapons… but it had landed softly, elegantly.
“Wait! it is my brother”
Matheus was unceremonially dropped to the floor…The man who had held him up turned to the others “Side shotguns, raise grenade launchers! Spend what you have! top floor!”
The men formed a straight line raised weapons as one..and discharged round after round into the burning wreckage.Matheus was not impressed..compared to the thunder this was a pea shot from a reed tube…and then the building came apart..He knew it must have been loud.. because everything after that seemed so quiet..

He looked up, he saw a silhouette, shuffling through the wreckage and fire..slowly shambling towards the balcony, it fell from the window..ungracious..uncaring and yet it landed on its feet, fires still whipped at its extremities like dancing unwanted familiars ..they burnt the waxy buildup away ..underneath a pox green hue armour showed though..
His hearing returning he heard the crackle and spit of the fire.. he heard one of the humans “……death guard” He saw one turn and flee but he was not faster than the explosive round that was sent after him the other men stood their ground.
Petrus appeared from the smoke and mist of battle.. He had his hunting knife out he strode quickly up to Matheus..a strange look in his eye a pang of regret, duty?
Petrus let a brief smile flash across his face..partially at the idea he had been able to so disconcert his ever cool brother partly to reassure him.. He held Matheus leg in a practiced wrestling lock and started gorging into it with his hunting knife..

Though he could feel little he looked down in horror at his brother, Matheus had enough sense in him to throw a punch his direction and was rewarded with a admonishing slap back..
“lie still you fool, it is poison- like the tree snakes.”
He flayed Matheus’ leg down to the shin bone, cutting away layer after layer of skin that had lost its battle with the corruption.But slowly he realised he had overtaken it and was cutting into good solid strong tissue.He slowed the planing of the now raw leg .

Matheus looked at his leg..he looked at his brother amazed, he looked back at his leg.His head was clear..he felt strong.. with the cloying sickness and buzzing gone his body was released from stiffness and aches.Pain flooded through his body and reminded him he was alive..adrenaline pumped around his system.

He looked at the battle.. it was not going well.. the men who had aided them were grossly outdone by the sickly knight. Only 3 still stood. Worse although the dead were no longer frenzied and organised they were still there swaying from side to side.. slowly boxing them in yearning for the taste of the fresh flesh lying ready in their feeding grounds.

Matheus finished his evaluation..raised himself on his good leg..
“Petrus we need what our allies have.. lighten the load for those who need to walk the long journey!”
“Grave robbing” Petrus replied with mock horror followed by a grin “ I fear our road will be longer than theirs”
He darted off away from the fire light and returned quickly having been to the cowards body..already chewed around the edges.. danced around the edge of the combat taking what he could from the fallen.

Mattheus looked through his brothers haul and quickly ruled out items he could not relate to, Then he looked at the batons crudely blunt to the warriors keen eye.. but they were surrounded by a glowing aura and he knew what to do with them.He also looked to the grenade launchers… but a trial shot at the undead horde showed they were indeed spent of ammo.


“So be it then… brother? I feel there is a sickly tree out there we must fell.” He threw one of the glowing batons to his brother, tested his weight on his leg and started to limp towards the battle, each step more firmly fixing the tight grin on to his face.
>>>>>>>>>>>…
Last edited by killmaimburn on Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:20 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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Postby timewizard » Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:39 pm

Nice installment KMB 8) . Waiting (im)patiently for the next. :wink:

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Postby killmaimburn » Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:29 pm

Just a quicky
+++ Arbite proctor Selek reporting (AF/994.D22384629/67349.M41/9285) investigation encountering problem as reported.Further investigation required, deploy 2nd squad.++++
+++Arbite proctor Selek reporting (AF/994.D22384629/67349.M41/9286) problem widespread confirm reciept of 2nd squad..Vox error ##23####aslities , current unit### at 70% seeking source of####++++
+++Arbite proctor Selek reporting (AF/994.D22384629/67349.M41/9287) problem stems from focal point, local landmass designate "necropolis", low altitude vox disturbance, current unit strength now 60%, altitude descent to proximity of suspected mutant traitor, suspect vox interference, extraction at grid 0046 86738,2 days at 0900 imperial time.+++
+++ ##### #~####suspected#####asses### chaos##### #####*^%*^£#### urrounded### for#####peror!+++

The receiving administrators face shone red from the type font in the otherwise shadow ridden room..
“Why did we not receive this earlier!!” The Captain barked,
“Disturbance in the warp grew exponentially in this area..we are lucky we got what we did”
“but look at those dates man..whatever has happened has happened now”
“Sir?”
“Prepare the thunderhawk for recon and possible retrieval..but have it prepped for battle..”
“Sir?”
“You heard me man.. and you saw that last communication 20 trained men have just been killed by the great enemy”(the captain stalked off the bridge muttering) “stuck in this pacified area for god knows how long and the only time I get to serve we are late,by the emperor I’ll set the planet ablaze”
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Postby killmaimburn » Sat Mar 21, 2009 4:02 pm

Anyone got any tips on incorporating languages the reader doesn't know?
I've kind of got the feeling of where all of this is going to go now..I've got the next 4 bits in my head jigsawing together.. but it kind of relies on these
http://www.apples4theteacher.com/native ... -boys.html
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/13031/13 ... h.htm#l3-2

How would you introduce words into the text?
a) Only use the foriegn words (viral marketing people google what they don't understand, and as long as you don't start using complex verbs.. the names will not effect the reading pace, readers can choose how deep they read)
b) use word then give explanation.. "joe (we called him joe because he liked saying joe)" breaks the 3rd wall for the suspension of disbelief
C) Only use english words ..chun li has to be caucasian now.(apprently the film is appalling)
If you don't have an opinion feel free to still shout out..and stuff :)
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Postby timewizard » Sat Mar 21, 2009 4:22 pm

killmaimburn wrote:Anyone got any tips on incorporating languages the reader doesn't know?


Use the unknown word in relation to know words and/or phrases.
"He had to cleanse the infestation from his body. He had to undergo a cleansing rite, the Plack' Adanor, very soon. For this he would travel to the Oracle's Shrine to see the Shadam himself."

Something like that.
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Postby LordMalekTheRedKnight » Sat Mar 21, 2009 5:17 pm

killmaimburn wrote:b) use word then give explanation.. "joe (we called him joe because he liked saying joe)" breaks the 3rd wall for the suspension of disbelief

in the Inquisition War/Jaq Draco books, the 'narrator' explains that Meh'lindi got her name because when she was taken from her home world she used to shout "Me Lindi!" (as "Lindi" was her name and she wanted to maintain her sense of identity in her new surroundings), it became a nickname for her amongst her instructors, and it stuck. of course, this wouldnt work if you dont have a narrator...

~ Tim
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